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‘Corporations aren’t just people. They’re special people’

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—0% tax: a ‘liber-liber-libertarian’ experiment—

Are you a morally bankrupt company, ethically slack accountant, or self-serving state regulator? Does the thought of properly funding schools and hospitals make you break out in a cold sweat at night? And do you really not give a flying fuck what your grandchildren will think of you in a few years?

 

Maybe the vacuous mundanity of the corporate ladder has gradually snuffed out your last remaining flickers of human solidarity – or perhaps you never cared for such things in the first place. Either way, we can help: financially, at least. And in Zerotaxistan, that’s all that matters.

 

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Let’s get down to business: How much would you pay to avoid not only your full tax liabilities, but also the messy legal tanglings that accompany all this make-pretend stuff you get up to elsewhere? Well, how about nothing at all?

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—Our pledge: zero tax, zero bullshit—

In Zerotaxistan, we cut the bullshit along with the red tape and essential public services – with our flagship ‘Absolute Zero’ tax regime. You pay us nothing: no cash, no subsidy-return smokescreens, and no fines for non-compliance – in fact, you don’t even need to bother handing in the form (although we do enforce a strict policy of posting them out). 

 

We recognise the plight of the modern CEO: the less tax you want to pay, the more time you have to spend talking to tax lawyers, hanging out with consultants, playing golf with gullible state regulators, and so on. Why should jurisdictional profit-juggling have to be so complicated? How is it fair that the private sector should always cover the costs of keeping the revolving doors oiled and spinning? And, speaking of democratic subversion, isn’t the cost of bribing foreign governments just another form of unjust state taxation?

 

We remove all such shackles by abolishing the very concept of state revenue collection. Here, there are no kickbacks to pay, no loopholes to awkwardly squeeze through, and no courtrooms to scrutinise your acrobatic feats of accounting fraud. The sum total of our tax legislation fits on a single, wordless A4 page: completely blank save for the letter zero, accompanied by a crude image of Jeff Bezos’ shiny forehead and approving, reptilian grimace (who says Jeff isn’t a generous guy…he actually paid us so we’d use his likeness as our logo!).

 

Consider the savings: no more aimless directorships and inflated pension plans for soon-retiring tax inspectors, and no more blood money doled out at political fundraisers to further engorge the egos, wallets, and waistlines of spineless lawmakers. Why should you have to sit through the tedious, self-important dinner anecdotes of corrupt Tory MPs – let alone pay them for the privilege too? Here, there’s no need to play along with the god-crazed ramblings of senile Republican senators either – and you’ll never even have to take dull revenue officials out for lunch (we don’t employ any).

 

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In exchange for these material freedoms, we lay claim to nothing but your eternal soul. And based on your career so far, it’s not like we’re asking for anything of much personal value here (Why do I want souls? Naturally, I am under no liability to disclose such things…and why do you care anyway?).

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—Hyperprivatization: our ‘national’ mission—

We believe that private business does literally everything better. I, for one, scorn any so-called ‘libertarian’ who claims that the government is the biggest, laziest, and most wasteful enterprise out there: from my time as a corporate consultant, I know that no state can rival the great multinationals when it comes to fostering senseless bureaucratic waste. In fact, I need look no further than my own former industry (how many management consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I dunno, but if you pay us then we’ll produce a long-winded report covering how it might be done…how about a deadline of late next year?).

 

Sadly, the business of lobbying, bribing, or bullying your way out of tax is still a state-reliant endeavour: essentially, the global tax evasion industry is a complex web of public-private partnerships. To overcome this hideous inefficiency, we sought advice from some of the cruellest privatisation advocates known to man – but soon found that even the most psychopathic of neo-Thatcherites lurched too far to the left for our liking. After all, you can only privatise what is run by the state…and by that point, it’s already too late. The only solution is to start – and stay – at Zero. 

 

Here, praising government efficiency is outlawed as treason (you can of course worship me, but only in my capacity as a private citizen). Furthermore, we believe companies should be protected from the emotional distress arising from public scrutiny of their actions…

 

 

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—Our partners & sponsors—

 

 

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[REAL QUOTES]

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GDPR notice: We collect painstakingly de-anonymised personal information and consumer data from the souls – which is analysed, packaged up, and sold on to a carefully chosen list of whoever pays me the most. The souls themselves are then frozen, disinfected, and leased out to a variety of global partner institutions, no questions asked – all via our industry-leading network of opaque shell companies and offshore fronts. Yours might even get a weekend break in the Cayman Islands!

 

Recent customers include Facebook, Google, GCHQ, Disney, and the IDF. Your former life-essence could end up supporting a wide range of cutting-edge projects: Elon Musk blends them up for battery fuel, and Jeff Bezos installs them in the warehouse toilet cubicles to report & haunt anyone who isn’t clenching hard enough. In other human rights innovations, Mossad buys them in bulk to ‘cancel out’ civilian casualties for their official records – and Mark Zuckerberg believes that if he runs enough human souls through an algorithm, he may yet find his own (and, financially speaking, we believe him too!). The possibilities for your mid-life afterlife are truly endless…

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